Redwall Defense Guide
by Toboe LoneWolf
Summary: Aka, How to Save the Blinkin' Abbey...AGAIN! A guide on how to PROPERLY defend Redwall Abbey!
1. Lesson One: Weapons

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Redwall Defense Guide,  
Aka, How to Save the Blinkin' Abbey…AGAIN!!

Now, it has come to my attention that you abbey dwellers are seriously lacking in the "strategy" department of interior defense. After about sixteen or so breaches of the abbey in Redwall history, you'd think that you'd learn something after while, wot? Time after time again, the common vermin has the ability to walk straight up to the main gates and give his bally well "statement" about "magic swords" or other pretty baubles that Redwall just happens to be legendary for.

Therefore, I have written a guide in which all abbey dwellers should memorize in Abbey School. It should be referenced to each time you encounter foebeasts.

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NOTE:

DO NOT, under any circumstances, keep this guide in the guide in the Gatehouse, dormitories, or typical book-keeping place. 

You Redwallers have a tendency to lose those areas of the abbey quite quickly. Instead, keep this in Cavern Hole or the cellars. Better yet, carve this guide into the floor of Cavern Hole. This way, you need not worry about the common rat destroying this helpful guide. If carved, have the decency to make sure it is readable and will stay that way; you Redwallers also have the tendency to forget things seasons later. 

Now, with that taken care of, let's get down to the basics, shall we?

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Lesson One: Always Have Weapons On Hand

I do not care if you are peaceful abbey creatures. I do not care if all you have are disabled bunny rabbits and sugar high dibbuns. I do not care if you lot do not know which end of Martin's Sword is the sharp one. 

ALWAYS STORE WEAPONS!!!

(Preferably in the cellar, which you are best able to defend.)

In practically every single Redwall breach, you have a lack of weapons and have to resort to stones, rubble, spoons, and kitchen knives.

This is unacceptable. 

If you are going to be peacefully abbey dwellers, you had better be able to keep it that way. And how, may I ask, can you keep it that way if all you have to protect it are a bunch of stones? Yes, stones are adequate for your slings, but do not underestimate the power of Sharp Pointy Objects. They are much more effective and the common vermin respects them. Round, Solid Objects, he does not; he simply gets really mad and even more determined to slice and dice you.

In this case, _always_ have bows and arrows stored someplace (preferably in the cellar). Other weapons, such as lances, javelins, swords and the like may also (and should) be stored, but the bow and arrow are the most versatile and effective at telling the common vermin off. They have the most reach and have a Sharp Pointy Object attached to one end. 

Also, you abbey dwellers should be able to USE the weapons. At least have a couple. And do not have the ones adept in weapons also be the ones most likely to wander, as then you will have no one to teach you when the vermin come (which always happens). Otters, shrews, and hares, all good, trained beasts in fighting, have the mysterious "luck" to always be out fishing/roaming/sailing/gathering/eating in the most inopportune times. Therefore, the Abbey Cook, Gatekeeper, or somebeast who is going to STAY in the abbey know how to use weapons, and you will not have to worry about the lack of expertise. (The Abbot or Abbess, the most likely to stay, is an unlikely choice for expertise in weapons, as they are supposed to be peaceful to the end. However, do not underestimate the morale the Abbot or Abbess will bring if they can fight.)

Once the weapons are stored, make sure they are in working order at all times. It does you no good if the bow is broken, the javelin dull, and the swords rusted to the core. Yes, Martin's Sword does not rust, but I do not see tons of Martin's Swords lying about, do you? And besides, you abbey dwellers usually lack an Abbey Warrior at the worst times, only emerging in the last stages of the fight. Therefore, make sure that the weapons are kept in shape and that no dibbun decides to use them for play. 

I understand that you abbey dwellers like to use the unusual, such as pepper bombs, garbage, honey, window poles, or other strange things. This is all well and good, but weapons should be _supplemented_, not _replaced_, with these forms of defense. Yes, it certainly is amusing to see yon vermin yell about bees stinging him or being bonked, but it is even more amusing and useful to see yon vermin dead or far, far, far away from the abbey. 

* * * * *

Now, what have we learned today?

That's right, always have a couple of weapons and beasts who know how to use them on hand. Make sure said beasts do not wander, and make sure said weapons stay that way and not lumps of metal. 

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~LoneWolf16, Recorder of Redwall Defense in Mossflower Country


	2. Lesson Two: Walls and Doors

Ah, it's nice to know that somebeasts are reading and paying attention. Good for you. Now remember, this is a guide for defending Redwall Abbey in order to PREVENT any damage from being done. Waiting for help is not exactly something I support; who knows how much damage will be done in between then? Also, defending the abbey is a lot more important in the immediate than feasting at a later time. I shall talk on this further on; this is a major flaw of your defense, unfortunately. 

Lastly, I shall talk as I bally well please. 

So, without further ado, I bring you lesson number two of the Redwall Defense Guide.

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Lesson Two: Close The Blinkin' Door

Look at the name "Redwall" closely. If you will notice, it is a combination of the words "Red" and "Wall."

You abbey beasts are fortunate to have sturdy, well built, very thick, solid walls surrounding your abbey. Thank Martin and Abbess Germaine that they had such good architects when designing the abbey. 

Obviously, you take care of these walls, yes? They are your primary defense against a frontal attack by vermin. You make sure there are no cracks, no weaknesses, no holes. (If there are, fix them now.) If they crumble, you will be in very big trouble. Therefore, if you find a hole, you fix it immediately, usually by the Foremole. Helpful chaps, aren't they?

However, there is also something called a "door." They are used to go though your carefully built walls and very useful in times of peace. 

Ever notice that a door is also simply a glorified _hole_ in the wall?

Are you abbey dwellers connecting these two concepts together in your head?

Doors are a _huge_ weak spot in walls. A hole is much easier to break through than a solid wall. Why do you think vermin attack the door and not the wall? Because it is much easier to break down a door than it is to break down a wall. That is why doors often are reinforced with metal, stout oak wood, or other very Solid Objects. 

Unfortunately, you abbey dwellers do not notice that a door is also a hole in the wall, and therefore must be super-protected. You notice that there is a big fat hole called the Main Gate, and you reinforce it accordingly. However, you do not notice the smaller holes known as wallgates.

Oftentimes, vermin will break thorough the primary defense of Redwall Abbey through these two small, overlooked gates. How many times must I see Redwall fight or lose dibbuns because the little gate was not closed? Let's see, Cluny got in this way, Marlfoxes stole a dibbun this way, certain rebels keep escaping this way…

Therefore, CLOSE THE BALLY DOORS!!!

Lock, bolt, close, glue, I do not care. When you are under attack, you are probably not going to be leaving anytime soon. So CLOSE the door and make sure they STAY closed!!

Unfortunately, oftentimes you close the doors only to have them broken down. This is because you have an outdated security device. You still use the old wood plank across the door and held in place via stone hanging contraption. This, time after time again, has been broken down because vermin jam a Thin Pointy Object through the cracks in the gate, wedge the plank up and out, and burst in. 

Please, get in with the times and use a more effective locking system. Do not use wood, which is easily burned or scratched; instead, use a thick metal rod. Do not use stone to hold the metal in place, use metal with metal. Make a latch instead of relying on the sheer weight of the metal rod to hold it in place. In fact, ditch the whole wood-and-stone deal and make the whole blinkin' door out of metal. Get the Badger Lord at Salamandastron to make some for you. While you're at it, make the main gate out of metal too; it couldn't hurt. 

In this way, you can also forget about vermin wedging their swords through because if the entire gate is metal, they can't stick them through. Also, you can forget worrying about fire burning down the gate because metal is very difficult to burn through and physically tasking to vermin. (Not to mention impossible in a realistic sense.) Since vermin are lazy, they probably won't go through all the trouble. 

See all the problems resolved simply if you 1) close the door and 2) make the door metal?

Ah, the wonders of modern technology. 

* * * * *

Now, what have we covered today?

I shall make it simple enough that even dibbuns can understand and help. Hole in wall, bad. Door same as hole. Therefore, open door bad. Closed door, good. Defend Redwall by closing the door. Cheer. (Note: Take care not to fall over the wall while cheering.)

It's one of the simplest defense strategies there is. 

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~ LoneWolf16, Recorder of Redwall Defense in Mossflower Country


	3. Lesson Three: Don't Talk to Strangers

Huur, oi be troiyun' to speak en molespeech. I bain't be troiyun to be insultin', just be moi way of bein' sarcoistic. Winders may be holes, but them varmits aoin't gotten through 'em yet, and bain't be tryin', just too hoigh up. An' Redwallers don't 'ave radio collars, 'oo hoigh-tech. 

Zurr, my head be hurtin' and I aoin't be troiyun to speak molespeech. 

…

Right ho, much better now chaps, wot wot? This tone is much more effective at sarcasm, not to mention my terrible rendition of a mole. So onward Redwallers, to another lesson of the _Redwall Defense Guide!_

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Lesson Three: Don't Argue With Dumb And Dumber

Now, we all know that gossip is bad. This is one of the many lessons learned in Abbey School. Now, while gossip within Redwall may be a bad thing, outside of Redwall there are rumors galore about Redwall. Most notably are the Big Fort rumor, the Weak Defenders rumor, the Big Fat Treasure & Etc. rumor, and of course, the Magic Sword rumor. 

As in the case with all gossip, gossip tends to be very difficult to kill. They tend to stay forever, like old cliches and Mary Sues. Also, because of the low IQ level of most vermin, most vermin will not be able to distinguish fact from fiction. Do not attempt to argue with vermin about Truth. Let Hellgates do that for you; the nice beasts at Hellgates are much more capable at making vermin learn something. (Note the irony that vermin tend to avoid Hellgates.) 

Because of these rumors, (foolish) vermin tend to flock towards Redwall in hopes of attaining one of these rumors. Note the word foolish, as by now the more intelligent vermin tend to know that Redwall is a tough nut to crack. Unfortunately, there are a great many non-intelligent vermin, and also great many of hubris-inflated vermin out there. 

There isn't much you can do about these rumors; vermin take rumors very seriously. So unfortunately, you will, from time to time, have to deal with the petty fox or weasel or gang of rats looking for some freebie. (Now remember what you were taught in Abbey School: Do Not Take Things From Strangers Nor Give Things to Strangers.) 

The first thing you can do to lower the amount of conflict is to write a big sign in the front of the abbey saying, 

"WE DO NOT HAND OUT ANYTHING OTHER THAN FOOD, PHYSICAL AND MENTAL CARE, LIVING SPACE AND BATHWATER. ALL OTHER THINGS ARE PROPERTY OF THE CREATURES LIVING WITHIN AND UNDER THE JURISDICTION OF THE ABBOT OR ABBESS. TO REQUEST FOR MORE INFORMATION, PLEASE KNOCK AT THE MAIN GATE."

However, the common vermin tend to be stupid and most likely will not listen. For the ones that don't, they tend to be predictable, and as such I have written a set of guidelines of what to do. 

Action One: A vermin (or group of vermin) come up to the gates and demand something, saying that they have X amt of vermin hiding in some X place. They may or may not have a Bargaining Chip, usually some unlucky woodlander. 

Guidelines: Do not, under any circumstances, stand up on the battlements, say something, and then leave. This is a sign of weakness. What you should do is: 

1) Lock (not just close) all doors.  
2) Arm yourselves.   
3) Stand up on the battlements with as many armed fighters as possible (with appropriate weapons, please do not show yourselves with wooden spoons -- use those weapons stored in the cellar).   
4) Say something with a lot of force. Show as much force as possible.  
5) Stay there and stare at the offending vermin until the vermin leaves, not you. 

You are to defend Redwall at all costs. You appear weak if all you can do is stand up on the battlements with a wooden spoon and cooking apron, say something fairly weak as, "We will never give up X," have no support of said statement, and then turn away. The vermin will get cocky, and that is not in your favor if you haven't readied for defense yet.

On the other hand, vermin will get scared if they see a lot of armed abbey creatures with Sharp Pointy Objects all aimed at him (remember, use those bows and arrows stored in the cellar) and then all of those said creatures staring at him. This is to your advantage, because either they will retreat or they will squabble amongst themselves for a stronger leader, giving you time to properly defend.

If you have one, the Abbey Warrior or Mother Badger should make a show of force and/or speak to the vermin. This adds to the sense of control that you Redwallers must have. Do Not Show Weaknesses. Make a little show of Bloodwrath if you want to.

If the vermin say that they have X amt of vermin hiding, check it out by slinging a few stones and/or shooting there with a few arrows. If they are hiding in a place out of range, assume that this is true. Do not underestimate. Do not head out in the middle of the night to check this out; you may be caught and become a Bargaining Chip. If you feel that you must, have the decency to tell somebeast or have some support with you. 

If the vermin say that they have a Bargaining Chip, do not go mad. (Unless you have a Abbey Warrior or Mother Badger. Have them go mad; more show to them.) In the history of Redwall, no Bargaining Chip has ever been killed. Make note of this. You Redwallers have a nice history of saving those Bargaining Chips. Remember that you will save them -- later. 

Action Two: Vermin repeatedly demand X thing. 

Ah, here comes in the gossip. Under no circumstances should you attempt to argue with them. They will not understand. They will not reform magically before your eyes. If you attempt to argue, they will attempt to shoot you. 

If they demand for treasure or other such thing, do not attempt to argue otherwise saying you don't have any. They will not listen. End of story. (However, they _will_ listen to Hellgates.)

If they demand for Martin's (Magical) Sword, have the Abbey Warrior wave it about, challenge the leader, and have at it. If you do not have an Abbey Warrior, wave it about anyway and shoot them down as they attempt to get it. If that offends you, hide it somewhere and again, do not attempt to argue. Concentrate on defending, not talking. 

After this, it is usually a cycle of cause and effect. They demand, you refuse, they attack, you defend successfully (usually barely), they retreat, they attack, you defend, they retreat, they demand and then attack, you defend, they attack and succeed, then poof! Abbey Warrior/Badger/Otter/Hares/Shrews/some helpful beasts/luck appears and ta-da, you're saved. Along the way, you usually lose one or two abbey creatures, or somebeast is seriously hurt. Your goal is to successfully defend before you lose one and/or the "saving mechanism" appears. This is the aim of the _Redwall Defense Guide_. 

* * * * *

Now, wot important lesson have we learned today?

Mmhmm, rumors are bad but vermin believe them anyway, so do not attempt to dissuade them otherwise. Defend first, talk later. Send 'em all to Hellgates, or at least far, far, far away. 

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~LoneWolf16, Recorder of Redwall Defense in Mossflower Country


	4. Lesson Four: Gluttony Is A Sin

Ah, there is nothing like using sarcasm to teach something as valuable as self-defense. Quite effective, I must say. And so I shall take up the task of elucidating the fourth doctrine of the _Redwall Defense Guide_, which is:

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Lesson Four: Gluttony Is A Sin

Let us look at a scenario. Vermin A is coming towards you with a Sharp Pointy Object with intent to do harm. Do you: 1) scream; 2) run/get away; 3) attack; or 4) eat?

Any of the first three are plausible. It is advised that you choose choice three, however. The fourth choice is highly detrimental to your permanent health and is not recommended. 

Yes, you are probably wondering to yourself, _That's not very smart. Of course you don't eat when somebeast is attacking you!_

Aha, but unfortunately you are missing the point. 

You are defending Redwall. Defend, as in to protect or prevent. Prevent against what? An attack, of course. To be more specific, defending against _all_ attacks. Not just one, or two, but against _all attacks attempted by the enemy side_. I cannot stress this enough. To any attack, you must retaliate with an equal or greater defense. If you do not defend against every attack, you _will_ fail -- and the enemy will have broken through and you will lose it all. 

"Defend" is the same as "keeping watch." When keeping watch, you do not dawdle or nap or snack, your attention is focused on the enemy. Simply because the enemy is not attacking now does not mean that the enemy will attack a few moments later. Therefore, at all times, you must act as if there is an eminent attack coming your way. (This may be stressful and/or difficult for somebeasts, such as the elderly, the peaceful, the [ahem] gluttonous, the dibbuns, and those with short attention spans.) If you let down your guard, the attack may come at that moment and you will not be ready. (This is commonly known as Murphy's law.)

When you defend, you must not frivolously feast and party and pretend that there is no danger. That is the mindset of a fool who wishes to die happy. You should not feast and party in between actual attacks in "celebration of defending Redwall." One, the enemy may attack, and two although you may have won a battle, you have not won the war.

Also, to feast and party is to waste food in wanton amounts. Yes, Redwall is famous for its feasts, congratulations, but feast later! Ration food in order to save it for your defenders (who certainly need it.) "An army marches on its stomach." Ask any hare (primarily of the Long Patrol) and he will gladly back that statement up. To eat food now means less food later (shocking, isn't it) and thus your army of defenders may kneel in hunger. A bit extreme, but I can assure you that this episode will occur if you have a hare in residence.

A Note to Hares: I do not understand your affinity to food. Perhaps you have all had traumatizing childhood experiences involving the lack of food and thus you have an instinct to scoff every blinkin' thing in sight the moment food appears. In fact, I believe hares scoff more food at the end of a meal/feast/snack than at the beginning of said meal/feast/snack. However, the time you take scoffing is time when something is not defended. And even if you are replaced on duty, that does not mean that you should haunt the kitchens like an emaciated rabbit. If you eat food now, there will be less food for the Big Feast later. By "Big Feast," I mean the gala feast at the end when the vermin are forever gone and some hero emerges and so on and so on. I can assure you that it is much more pleasing to feast with no worry about a possible attack than to mini-feast in between attacks.

It may help if I give a few concrete examples.

Example #1: Martin the Warrior.  
Of course. The Founder and Pillar of Redwall Abbey. He was never one to leave his duty to scoff a scone. All should emulate him. 

Example #2: Any Badger Lord (or Lordess).  
This is obvious. I have never heard of a gluttonous badger.

Example #3: Any hare of the Long Patrol.  
This is also obvious. Although the hares of the Long Patrol do have appreciation of food, they also have the ability to put this aside whenever danger arouses. Also, they do not whine about the lack of food; they forage for themselves. And by forage, I do not mean raid the kitchens.

Example #4: Basically, anybeast who follows the Warrior's Code.  
Those who fight understand. As defenders, you must all become fighters as well. 

I understand that restraining from food or rationing it may be difficult for some. My original advice was to either make the kitchens smaller or purposely grow less food. However, that is contrary to your personality. Therefore, my advice is to get a nice, thick, metal lock and lock the kitchen doors. Give the key to the Abbey Cook or a responsible, respectable beast. Warriors, although certainly responsible, also have the tendency to leave for help. Perhaps the Abbot/Abbess will do. (Because of the physiological behaviors of hares, I would not advise you to give the keys to any hare.) Oh, and wear tight belts. Very tight. Squeaky voice tight. 

…On second thought, perhaps only squeaky voice tight for hares. It's not a nice sight to a have bunch of high-pitched, extremely squeaky mice squeaking down at yon vermin.

* * * * *

So, wot have we learned today?

Right, to eat on duty is bad; to feast off duty is equally bad. Defending is a 24/7 job. Keep that mouth closed and that stomach tucked in, because that is the way of the warrior. Relatively speaking, of course. 

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~LoneWolf16, Recorder of Redwall Defense in Mossflower Country


	5. Lesson Five: Knowledge Is Power Woot!

Alrighty then, another day, another lesson. So entertaining for me, so educational for you.

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Lesson Five: Knowledge Is Power

I feel as if I am hitting my head against a brick wall. Several times.

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How can you forget things so easily?!? Do you not have a head?!?

From what I can gather, you Redwallers have a tendency to lose and forget crucial facts. No, not the little sayings and recitals from Abbey School; the facts about your defenses of Redwall.

Why can you remember the old songs but _not_ the old facts?!?

Example: Martin the Warrior had a sword, yes? And he hid it. However, twice in your history the Sword of Martin had appeared before its finding by Matthias. It first came to Dandin, companion to Mariel the Warriormaid, and later the sword also came to Samkin the Squirrel. Both were famous. Both had tales told and written about them. _And_, the listeners happened to forget about the Sword of Martin!!

You would think such a monumental object would be remembered. But _nooo_, you abbey beasts happily go back to your farming ways and totally forget about the sword until Cluny the Scourge comes along and takes over Redwall until Matthias finds the blinkin' bally sword on nothing more than the original riddle Martin wrote.

And just to put in some more facts about your forgetfulness about such important weapon, Abbot Saxtus, who was abbot of Redwall at the time of Mariel and Dandin, wrote about the appearance of the Sword of Martin. Generations later, Brother Hal, Abbey Recorder at the time of Samkin, discovered a measly paragraph about this. A single, almost forgotten paragraph.

Do you have no record-keeping system? Yes, I know you have Recorders. Unfortunately, they write diaries. That is all well and good during peacetime, but diaries are not very efficient in times of war. Why would I want to know about a particularly good harvest/feast when I am at war? No, thank you very much.

I cannot believe how many times you Redwallers have forgotten things about your own history. History that would help in times of trouble, such as Martin's Sword. Or even more simple, a source of water.

During the time of Mattimeo, a network of tunnels was made, including a tunnel from the Abbey pond from the cellar. This convenient water source was, of course, forgotten until the time of Martha the Hare, when you Redwallers were once again trapped within Redwall Abbey for a long period of time.

As you may well know, nobeast can survive for long without water. A clean, clear, unpolluted water source is vital to your defenses. A water source within the actual Abbey is worth pure gold. So why, may I ask, would you forget something so precious so easily?!?

Ah yes. Because you do not know how to properly record this information. You keep facts here and there within enormous volumes of diary entries. This is not only an inefficient way of storing them (for you must search volumes one by one unless by sheer chance you have even the slightest inkling of where to look), it is also highly dangerous.

For one, books happen to be flammable. Need I say more?

Two, books can get lost/stolen/stained/ripped, etc. Any one of the various misuses can happen, especially with dibbuns running around. It will obviously be difficult to read the book if the pages are unreadable or missing.

And three, the passage of time tends to 1) stain the pages anyway even with the greatest of care; 2) fade the ink so that it usually becomes unreadable; and 3) become so old and archaic, it may as well be in a different language. (It doesn't help that somebeasts, for some reason, tend to write in riddles and/or code.) And I believe you still have scrolls lying about. Now _that_ is truly archaic.

So, to remedy this, especially in the matters of defense:

1) Move all of the books into the abbey. In this way, you prevent vermin from getting easy access to burnable materials as well as keeping history, keepsakes, and important reference materials from being destroyed. Set aside an entire room and put all of the books in there. On the door, in nice, big, bold letters, write, "ABBEY LIBRARY." Congratulations, you now have an official library!  
Note: In smaller letters, it is advised that you append, "No food or drink allowed inside." Books do not mix well with food. In fact, also add, "No dibbuns allowed without supervision." That should need no explanation.

2) Catalog your information. Catalog everything. Get extra bookshelves so that instead of having fifty volumes, you will have five hundred volumes -- a great deal thinner. If you desire, feel free to use colored ink, tabs, and ribbons to make reference easier and more interesting. It is not advised, however, to add feathers, bulky objects, or anything that in any way may hinder the fact that the object within is a book.

2b) Be specific. Use nice, big, labels. Put the books categories other than "_Season of the Heap Big Snow_." Be specific. Get down to nitty gritty. Label books as "Harvest techniques, Season X" or "War, Season X."

3) Shelves books into genres. Keep the diaries in one sections and the riddles in another (Advantage: for fun and games in the deep winter) and the war reference guide (including this one) in a nice, well lit area.

3b) On the War Reference Guide: Obviously must be well kept and up-to-date. Make maps of everything. Create blueprints of Redwall Abbey and add to them accordingly as you inevitably find secret passages. Make careful diagrams of all weaponry ever seen and ever used so that you will know what they are the next time they come around. Write, write, write!

4) READ THEM. Do not let them turn dusty. All right, you can let the diaries go dusty, but books should not be left to rot after transcription.

So now, when you are attacked, you can easily trot down to the library (a great deal safer than trotting to the Gatehouse, which requires you to walk across open ground and possibly getting shot), open a book, scan through the info, and quickly find out just what to do.

For example: Vermin Fox Band demands Magic Sword. You walk down to Library and pull out this reference guide. It states that one, you should not attempt to argue with them and that two, you should probably attack them. Informed, you tell the Abbey Warrior and the defense council. For more research, you find a smaller book entitled, History of Small Vermin Bands and learn various strategies used in the past to drive vermin off, ie the flank maneuver, the "fireball" attack, the use of nature, etc.

Armed with this knowledge, Redwall Abbey can stand firm against the evil invaders. If not, you shall fall miserably into the Pit Of Stupidity and I shall laugh at you.

Now, what have we learned today?

Hn. That you forget things way too much and therefore that shall be remedied, by creating a library and cataloging them properly. And of course, remembering where you put them.

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LoneWolf16, Recorder of Redwall Defense in Mossflower Country


	6. Lesson Six: Use Your Head

After a nice long break, I now take up my pen (or keyboard) once again to tell you of how to properly defend Redwall Abbey, a paradox of peace and war. Quite frankly, you abbeybeasts are catching on quite quickly; I do not believe that I need to write much more. This lesson, and the one after this, should be quite enough to properly teach you.

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Lesson Six: Use Your Head

Thankfully, you are not as dumb witted as some vermin I've known. You have a head. You are literate. You can cook jolly good tasting feasts. You have the ability to become expert weaponsbeasts in mere moments.

Then, why may I ask, do you do such incredibly stupid things such as forgetting to store weapons, not closing doors, and falling asleep at guard due to eating too much? (But now, of course, you shouldn't be doing those particular things anymore, yes? If so, bad you!)

Please, _USE YOUR COMMON SENSE._

Doors are open? Close them.

Food left about? Store it.

Some vermin is crawling over the battlements? Kill 'em. Yes, because if you don't, they will kill you. And lots of other abbeybeasts.

Dibbuns are running about when Redwall is under seige? Stop them. Lock them up in the nursery or something. Bop them over the head to make them fall asleep if you have to. One too many dibbuns have gotten into one too many problems, distracting and stressing Redwall defenders, giving vermin time to attack or nasty ideas of catching a dibbun and doing nasty things to him or her.

Somebeast is missing? Find them ASAP, but go in rescue parties, not some lone mousemaid with a sack of food on her back. By the fur, how many have been captured as well that way?

Again. _Use your head, not your paws._ Or mouth. Actions speak louder than words.

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USE ALL OF YOUR OPTIONS. Otters may be good fighters, but moles have the ultimate sneak attack-- underground. Frontal assault is not always the best. Remember, look up previous times of similar events. Use the library; that's why you made it. Use that wonderful ingenuity of yours as well-- any defense that involves window poles and honey has got to be unusual enough that it works.

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Think. Do not wail, "WHHAAAAA!! [Insert missing object here] IS GONE!! WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?!?!" Likewise, do not reply to above statement with, "Martin will protect/guide us" or "Don't worry marm, [insert missing object here] will be alright." Paws should not be idle. If Martin is going to help, it's kind of hard to help physical beings if you're a disembodied spirit. All Martin usually does is give advice and/or encouraging words, but that's usually once somebeast gets the notion to do something sensible.

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Consider every possibility. For once, be pessimistic. If you think that vermin cannot possibly harm you on the top of the abbey tower, think again. It'll probably happen. (Such has fire bombs, an alliance with flying birds, catapults, sneak attack…) I know it's not in your nature to think of the worst possible scenario, but try it anyway. This way you can defend for that scenario, and that possibility will not happen. The more possibilities you cover, the less possible options vermin have of attacking you.

Remember, you have a head. Vermin do too. However, while all of you can use your head, vermin as a group do not. Usually only one or two vermin actually do; any more and they will quarrel with each other. This is where numbers come into play. While vermin may outnumber you in numbers, you will undoubtedly outnumber them in sheer genius as you use your common sense to outsmart them at their every attack.

* * * * *

And so what have we learned today?

That you should use your heads. There. That's simple enough; it's just common sense. Good thing vermin don't use theirs.

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~LoneWolf16, Recorder of Redwall Defense in Mossflower Country


	7. Lesson Seven: ATTACK!

So. This is it. The last lesson.

Yes, I know that there is a great deal more that could be written. There are lots of various other strategies and devices that would help defending your beloved Redwall Abbey, as you readers have pointed out. However, this guide is just that: a guide. It is not meant to teach you how to counter each and every single possible attack you may encounter. As shown in lessons four and six, you are supposed to do that yourself. If you use your head, you should be relatively fine. Relatively, because there happens to be a being named "Brian Jacques" who likes to run you all through a gauntlet of various problems. Sometimes the problems are similar to ones before, but other times they are unique; so you will have to figure it out by yourselves. (By the way, I do not have any relations with "Brian Jacques" nor do I own what he owns.)

I could have continued this guide with such lessons as "Defense of Battlements" or "Rescue Techniques," but as in lesson six, if you use your head you will be fine. I cannot tell you how to do everything. You are not dibbuns anymore, thankfully.

With that, I bring the Redwall Defense Guide to close with one last bit of advice.

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Lesson Seven: ATTACK!!!

There is a saying that "the best defense is a good offense." Very nice, somewhat true, and of high importance for you.

You Redwallers tend to think in the matters of defense and oftentimes dismiss offense. Yes, I know you are peaceful, I know you are merciful, but there is time for mercy and time for Judgement. Plus, attacking is a double bonus for revenge for particular grievances.

Sometimes, in order to defend Redwall Abbey, you must attack your enemy. For example, Matthias attacked Cluny the Scourge, the entire blinkin' Long Patrol attacked Damug Warfang, etc., and it was only after the attack that Redwall was saved. If there were prisoners afterwards, only then did you show mercy. You can defend all you like, but vermin tend to be persistent little things (or so stupid that they don't know when to stop) that only an attack will completely and totally convince them that you are indeed, defenders of Mossflower Country. (Why else would creatures all over Mossflower Country come to Redwall for protection?)

Therefore, with the careful application of Sharp Pointy Objects to affronting vermin, you will finally be able to make those nasty vermin run away with their tails between their legs.

I do know that you have able beasts that know how to wield a weapon effectively. I also know that you do have lessons in weaponswork from time to time. However, these tend to be few and far in between, and as Florian from the time of Abbey Warrior Dandin found out, you usually do not pay attention.

So, I have made simple, easy to follow instructions entitled of how to kill a vermin. These are meant to be followed by those who do not care to learn true weaponswork. If you do want to learn, by all means, do so.

------------  
How To Kill a Vermin  
By LoneWolf16

1. Take up a Sharp Pointy Object. Take care not to hold the sharp edge.  
2. If vermin is far away, throw it at him. Or, if you are feeling particularly brave AND lucky AND do not care about possible bodily harm to yourself and/or have the spirit of Martin helping you, scream "Redwaaaalll!" and charge at vermin.  
3. If vermin is close by you, hit him _hard_ with the sharp and pointy end of the Sharp Pointy Object.  
Vital Areas to Hit:  
Eyes  
Paws  
Chest  
Anything not covered in armor  
4. Continue hitting until vermin is dead. Scream continually to confuse him.  
5. Move onto next vermin.

Note: It is helpful to have partners with you as you attack. Use the Mob Attack: attack en masse.   
Variation: Instead of Sharp Pointy Object, use a Burning Object or a Sticky Object and aim it at the vermin's eyes.  
----------

Even dibbuns can help with these simple instructions. At the very least, they can throw their toys. Basically, throw anything. Don't stand in fear and scream, "AAAAHHHH! SOMEBEAST SAVE ME!!" Be productive and for once, destructive and throw something. Oh, and instead of screaming the above statement, try yelling, "You dirty nasty vermin no good druble-pawed beast of burden" or something else from your dibbun days. They're quite creative in that department.

If you do intend to learn weaponswork, I would advise archery. It is simple to learn and very intimating in groups. As for other long-distance weapons, such as the javelin or the sling, these should also be encouraged. It is much easier and safer to kill a vermin far away than up close.

For close combat, the club is particularly simple to learn, though those who wish to learn it should have ample upper-body strength. Likewise for the battle axe. The sword, although feared and famed, is difficult to learn, though it is the most effective close-combat weapon on your paws.

Now that you know how to kill a vermin, there is a bit of strategy involved in actually attacking the vermin. Do not be idiots and charge outright at the vermin, unless you want to leave Redwall Abbey defenseless and do not mind bodily harm to yourself. Or you're Martin.

The most favorable strategy of attacking is guerilla warfare: the safest and easiest way for a small number of abbeybeasts to demoralize and lessen a stronger vermin band.

This is where the virtue of your moles shines. By digging an underground tunnel, you can sneak your attackers right into the enemy camp. However, make sure to collapse the tunnel so they cannot follow you. Likewise, perhaps the otters of Redwall Abbey know of a waterway that would allow you to attack swiftly and quietly. Small bands of warriors can do a lot of damage quickly, and because this is your home ground, you know the best way to retreat.

You also have another option: instead of killing vermin (very direct), you may try to demoralize vermin (indirect).

Vermin are well, vermin, and they scare easily. Use booby traps: snares, pits covered with branches, tiny sharp pebbles to cripple their paws. Sneak into their camp and foul their stored food (intelligently, of course). Ruin their weapons: cut bowstrings and steal their Sharp Pointy Objects. At the very least, keep up a racket all night so none of them get any rest. _Fake_ partying should do it, and you're experts at that. Remember the power of Cornflower's fake Martin ghost act -- scared the gizzards out of the crows in Redwall in the time of Mattimeo. Confuse the vermin to the point that they do not know which end of their sword is the sharp one. Play practical jokes on them and laugh as hard as possible to annoy them. If you really want to hike up the annoyance factor, let the dibbuns do all the annoying for you.

A typical vermin is already downtrodden and flogged by its leader. A vermin that's also tired, ill fed, and scared is a vermin half-beat. A vermin that is sufficiently annoyed will run away and yell for peace and sanity. Remember, Cluny the Scourge went mad, to your great advantage.

Defending Redwall Abbey on a purely defensive note will drag out the siege. If you attack at opportune times, you can shorten the waiting.

* * * * *

Now, for the last and final time, wot have we learned today?

That attacking is a flip side to defending. That the Art of Using Sharp Pointy Objects should be part of the Abbey School curriculum. That vermin are wimps if you scare them. Alrighty then, so that's the gist of it.

If you obey the concepts of this guide, Redwall Abbey shall become stalwart defender of Mossflower Country instead of a laughingstock of continuous "GAAH!! THEY GOT OVER THE ABBEY WALLS!! WE MUST RETREAT TO THE ABBEY!!!"

And that, my friends, is the last lesson of the _Redwall Defense Guide_. I thank you for reading, and will all Redwallers be blessed with such well-educated abbeybeasts. By no means will I put down my pen (or keyboard); I still have many ideas for the world you live in, all involving some sort of humor.

Now, you are all smart beasts; but if you screw up I shall come down and *WHACK* you.

__

LoneWolf16, Recorder of Redwall Defense in Mossflower Country


End file.
